So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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