I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
