hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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