i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
