what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
