The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
