Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
