Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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