Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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