I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
