At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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