My nipple is on Facebook.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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