I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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