we have officially lost it.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
