the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
