Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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