You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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