Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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