I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
