So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
