I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
