You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
