70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
