broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
