Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
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