I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
