My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
