I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
