3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
