Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
