highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Ketchup is God's man juice
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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