I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
