so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
