You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
