I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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