what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
