why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You may now shotgun with the bride
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
