haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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