I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
