I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
