how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Randomize
