it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
