Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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