So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
