Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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