You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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