Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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