you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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