It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
