Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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