Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
