My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
