I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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